Hi Ramona! I use writing to help me explore my own feelings, to try to intellectually find a better or more positive way to frame things, and to heal. And I hope that the results of this process, my newsletter posts, in turn are helpful to other people.
But it definitely helps me to write and shape my feelings into helpful thoughts and words. When I felt sad recently, I just wanted someone to say to me that they understood, which feels like getting a hug to me, and it's what I really needed, so I wrote this post:
I used to have a weekly newsletter on TinyLetter where all I did, pretty much every week, overtly or not, was write through (and about) my pain. No one would fault you for writing about new widowhood for now, for a while, even forever (though I don't think you want that -- just saying there's a market for everything, even this).
I think people relate when writers are real, and maybe it matters less what it's about than the fact that it's genuine, heartfelt. Right now, this is what you're living. It's okay to show us that. It's okay to write about that. Even those of us who have a narrow focus and niche newsletter bring our whole selves to the page (er, screen) whether we know it or not. You're here behind your words, no matter the topic. So am I. It's kind of a lovely thought, even when it's not lovely, you know?
Hi Ramona, Writing was the only way I found to begin any sort of healing.The ache in my heart is ever present and writing helps me get past the hard times. The writing became my purpose: to share my story - the highs and lows - so, others would know they were not alone and to honor my husband's memory.
I'm still hesitant to write about things long past that were traumatic, and I can't imagine writing about them after a month. Such a cliche but it's true: everyone is different, and there's no right or wrong way to handle grief and trauma. I can say that you will write, and you will know when it's time. For my part, I first poured it all into fiction in unrecognizable form.
I'm new here, so first I want to say that I'm sorry for your loss. In regards to your question, I use writing to process most things. Something of the magnitude of losing a dear loved one most definitely qualifies as an event to process, even if that's something that lingers forever.
I don't know if we write through the pain, or if we just write about it and around it.
At one point I taught a life-writing class, and one of the participants was a woman who worked closely as a therapist for children who'd experienced trauma at the pre-verbal stage in their lives. She used WORDS to draw the pain out of them. She explained the process to me --and of course HER understanding of that took YEARS of study... but the piece that I grasped was how much we need to attach words to times and experiences in order to lessen their thrust in our lives. It's important to talk and write as much as you need to, to let this happen. I kept a daily journal through my spouse's illness, and after a year of so of time following his passing, I re-wrote it as a memoir--entirely different, but one could not have happened without the other. It became another piece of my healing. It was something I had to do, partly for my self, and partly because I wanted to write the book that I would have liked to read through those terrifying months.
Time does NOT heal, but it does cause some shift to occur... slowly. Mostly, be kind to your self, and patient. xo
Hi there, Ramona. I haven't read all the comments and what I did may well have been done by others, but here goes anyway. I'm a fiction writer so it was natural to write my way through the grief I was feeling. Thus I kept a grief diary and wrote in it every day I needed to - essentially a diary entry addressed to my parents whom I had lost.
I found over time that the entries became wider-spaced and eventually stopped altogether because I think my mind, heart and soul had processed the loss. I believe so anyway. I never stop thinking about them but I no longer need to be concrete about it.
My novel writing happened concurrently - I was able to write and it actually an escape to another less abrasive world. My harsh emotions were in my diary and the day (and night) was leavened because of that.
But you know what? Everyone's grief is different and everyone's process is different. None of us can tell you what is right.
Before I answer, as I am new here and I just read about the loss of your husband, I wanted to say I am very sorry for your loss.
I, too, am not prone to share my personal life. I didn't realize how much I needed to protect my personal life until I started to show up on the internet.
Having said that, I struggled for 19 years with infertility and I didn't understand the depths of that particular suffering until I wrote about it in a series of poems called Desire Lost. From my experience, it seems we need space around the 'doing' (writing, talking ect...) when processing grief or pain. There is a healing somewhere in the dance between doing and not doing.
Interestingly, this week I wrote a substack publication based on a subscriber's question about how to create within chaos. I wish I had read this thread before I scheduled it to be published as this discussion further clarifies the answer I offered.
Hi Ramona! I am conflicted as you are about this topic. I think one's personal experience, if it is painful, is not what others want to hear, especially if they are used to one's typical writing. But I know you already wrote well about pain, about your mother's illness, and many could relate. Joan Didion's book was very raw, I thought, but did you read Joyce Carol Oates's memoir? The criticism she got about writing about her loss was that she was not really honest because shortly after her husband died, she married another man and never mentioned this in her book.In this age of Facebook, where everyone thinks nothing of posting their entire life online, I think privacy is important. Maybe writing fiction is the solution because, after all, we know that writers write about themselves and their experiences. All kind thoughts and warm wishes, Olya
I’m a little opposite from you, as you probably already know. I write almost exclusively about pain, in some way or another. It sounds like you’re not in a place yet where you can compartmentalize (or maybe that’s unhealthy anyway), but here’s the thing.
If the pain is what wants to come out when you put your metaphorical (because who literally uses such ancient tools anymore) pen to paper, it’s ok to let it flow. That doesn’t mean you need to publish it anywhere. Or do, it’s all up to you and how vulnerable you’re comfortable being among 7 billion of your closest friends on the Internet. You might find that release clears space for a little more objective writing, more like your usual work.
I will say one of the things I love most about writing about my pain and struggles, and reading about those of others, is the sense of communion I feel, knowing others have experienced similar feelings. It’s good to not feel so completely alone in this big scary world.
I am sure you know Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking. She taught me how to READ about loss without feeling depressed. Maybe because she was a journalist and was able to kind of look at her own self and on her own life, from a bit of a distance? I don’t know, just felt like sharing this. My best regards, Agata
Hi Ramona! I use writing to help me explore my own feelings, to try to intellectually find a better or more positive way to frame things, and to heal. And I hope that the results of this process, my newsletter posts, in turn are helpful to other people.
But it definitely helps me to write and shape my feelings into helpful thoughts and words. When I felt sad recently, I just wanted someone to say to me that they understood, which feels like getting a hug to me, and it's what I really needed, so I wrote this post:
How To Comfort Someone Who Is Sad
https://moviewise.substack.com/p/how-to-comfort-someone-who-is-sad
I used to have a weekly newsletter on TinyLetter where all I did, pretty much every week, overtly or not, was write through (and about) my pain. No one would fault you for writing about new widowhood for now, for a while, even forever (though I don't think you want that -- just saying there's a market for everything, even this).
I think people relate when writers are real, and maybe it matters less what it's about than the fact that it's genuine, heartfelt. Right now, this is what you're living. It's okay to show us that. It's okay to write about that. Even those of us who have a narrow focus and niche newsletter bring our whole selves to the page (er, screen) whether we know it or not. You're here behind your words, no matter the topic. So am I. It's kind of a lovely thought, even when it's not lovely, you know?
Hi Ramona, Writing was the only way I found to begin any sort of healing.The ache in my heart is ever present and writing helps me get past the hard times. The writing became my purpose: to share my story - the highs and lows - so, others would know they were not alone and to honor my husband's memory.
I'm still hesitant to write about things long past that were traumatic, and I can't imagine writing about them after a month. Such a cliche but it's true: everyone is different, and there's no right or wrong way to handle grief and trauma. I can say that you will write, and you will know when it's time. For my part, I first poured it all into fiction in unrecognizable form.
I'm new here, so first I want to say that I'm sorry for your loss. In regards to your question, I use writing to process most things. Something of the magnitude of losing a dear loved one most definitely qualifies as an event to process, even if that's something that lingers forever.
I don't know if we write through the pain, or if we just write about it and around it.
At one point I taught a life-writing class, and one of the participants was a woman who worked closely as a therapist for children who'd experienced trauma at the pre-verbal stage in their lives. She used WORDS to draw the pain out of them. She explained the process to me --and of course HER understanding of that took YEARS of study... but the piece that I grasped was how much we need to attach words to times and experiences in order to lessen their thrust in our lives. It's important to talk and write as much as you need to, to let this happen. I kept a daily journal through my spouse's illness, and after a year of so of time following his passing, I re-wrote it as a memoir--entirely different, but one could not have happened without the other. It became another piece of my healing. It was something I had to do, partly for my self, and partly because I wanted to write the book that I would have liked to read through those terrifying months.
Time does NOT heal, but it does cause some shift to occur... slowly. Mostly, be kind to your self, and patient. xo
Hi there, Ramona. I haven't read all the comments and what I did may well have been done by others, but here goes anyway. I'm a fiction writer so it was natural to write my way through the grief I was feeling. Thus I kept a grief diary and wrote in it every day I needed to - essentially a diary entry addressed to my parents whom I had lost.
I found over time that the entries became wider-spaced and eventually stopped altogether because I think my mind, heart and soul had processed the loss. I believe so anyway. I never stop thinking about them but I no longer need to be concrete about it.
My novel writing happened concurrently - I was able to write and it actually an escape to another less abrasive world. My harsh emotions were in my diary and the day (and night) was leavened because of that.
But you know what? Everyone's grief is different and everyone's process is different. None of us can tell you what is right.
Thinking of you...
Before I answer, as I am new here and I just read about the loss of your husband, I wanted to say I am very sorry for your loss.
I, too, am not prone to share my personal life. I didn't realize how much I needed to protect my personal life until I started to show up on the internet.
Having said that, I struggled for 19 years with infertility and I didn't understand the depths of that particular suffering until I wrote about it in a series of poems called Desire Lost. From my experience, it seems we need space around the 'doing' (writing, talking ect...) when processing grief or pain. There is a healing somewhere in the dance between doing and not doing.
Interestingly, this week I wrote a substack publication based on a subscriber's question about how to create within chaos. I wish I had read this thread before I scheduled it to be published as this discussion further clarifies the answer I offered.
Hi Ramona! I am conflicted as you are about this topic. I think one's personal experience, if it is painful, is not what others want to hear, especially if they are used to one's typical writing. But I know you already wrote well about pain, about your mother's illness, and many could relate. Joan Didion's book was very raw, I thought, but did you read Joyce Carol Oates's memoir? The criticism she got about writing about her loss was that she was not really honest because shortly after her husband died, she married another man and never mentioned this in her book.In this age of Facebook, where everyone thinks nothing of posting their entire life online, I think privacy is important. Maybe writing fiction is the solution because, after all, we know that writers write about themselves and their experiences. All kind thoughts and warm wishes, Olya
I’m a little opposite from you, as you probably already know. I write almost exclusively about pain, in some way or another. It sounds like you’re not in a place yet where you can compartmentalize (or maybe that’s unhealthy anyway), but here’s the thing.
If the pain is what wants to come out when you put your metaphorical (because who literally uses such ancient tools anymore) pen to paper, it’s ok to let it flow. That doesn’t mean you need to publish it anywhere. Or do, it’s all up to you and how vulnerable you’re comfortable being among 7 billion of your closest friends on the Internet. You might find that release clears space for a little more objective writing, more like your usual work.
I will say one of the things I love most about writing about my pain and struggles, and reading about those of others, is the sense of communion I feel, knowing others have experienced similar feelings. It’s good to not feel so completely alone in this big scary world.
I am sure you know Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking. She taught me how to READ about loss without feeling depressed. Maybe because she was a journalist and was able to kind of look at her own self and on her own life, from a bit of a distance? I don’t know, just felt like sharing this. My best regards, Agata