I’m afraid I will be called out on blind spots and make myself look like an idiot.
I’m worried people will read it but they won’t like it.
But, a few years into this Internet writing thing, those things don’t bother me anymore. The thing that worries me most is wasted effort - the time and thought I spend on something that will very likely have no short-term payoff other than seeing my title on Google when I specifically search for its exact wording + my name. No one will care, and I will have wasted the hours it took me to create this thought-provoking content when I could have been doing something “more productive.”
But all that hurling my words into the abyss has given me something of a sandbox to practice. Some of my pieces with the least views/interaction are the ones where I’ve allowed myself to play with style and form, and I’m proudest of them and have learned the most from them.
Nicci, you've pegged it for me, too. I think I'm beyond being afraid of reader's reactions and have passed onto being disappointed when my efforts go unnoticed. So when I hesitate before I push that 'send' button, it's because I want it to be liked. Best foot forward.
It's like sending your kid out to school every morning, checking to make sure she's presentable, because you know in your heart how special she is and you want everyone to know it, too. You want them to pay attention to her, to listen to her, to feel something for her--but first they have to see her. Something like that.
I grapple with 'wasted effort', too, telling myself nothing is wasted if it helps me to think and grow, but here's the thing about writers: it takes a huge and healthy ego to be able to go out there among the masses and hawk our wares, trying to sell them as if they're commodities and not singular pieces of our very being. Whatever we write is all US. It comes from us. We take simple words and try to place them in such a way that they'll be memorable--or at least read--and our main tool is our brain.
But now I AM scaring myself.
I love what you wrote here:
"But all that hurling my words into the abyss has given me something of a sandbox to practice. Some of my pieces with the least views/interaction are the ones where I’ve allowed myself to play with style and form, and I’m proudest of them and have learned the most from them."
“… it takes a huge and healthy ego to be able to go out there among the masses and hawk our wares, trying to sell them as if they're commodities and not singular pieces of our very being.”
Oh, you know what, though? I actually do have one preoccupation with publishing my writing: I worry more than I used to that it’s not finished. That, in my rush to get the words on the page, I haven’t done a good job conveying the truth and ideas behind the words. Sometimes it behooves me (and most writers whose pieces I’ve edited or published) to let it sit for a day or two and come back to it (longer for some pieces) to make sure it really is addressing the central idea I intended it to get across.
That's such an important part of the process, and one where patience is really a virtue. I've been guilty of rushing my pieces and doing that very thing: reading it later only to find there are places that either make no sense or need more clarifying. If I can fix it, I will, but once it's been out there for a while, it's too late.
I've already lost my audience. Tightening as I edit usually fixes it.
Jan 25, 2022·edited Jan 25, 2022Liked by Ramona Grigg
Great question! Working in academia, I write and publish for a living but there’s something particularly nerve-racking about writing independently (as I do with my newsletter) outside the confines of research and publishing briefs.
I guess much of that unease stems from feeling vulnerable especially when you’re making a point/argument that is intrinsically yours. I’ve realised that publicly “owning” a viewpoint involves a fair amount of grit and resilience.
I know that feeling, Josh. Our opinions sometimes make us targets, even when they're not controversial. We live in a world of different opinions and when we dare to put ours out there for public scrutiny it's like standing out there naked, just waiting to see what those people are going to find lacking.
Though it may not exactly apply to what you're saying here, I wrote a piece last year, called "How to Survive Writing Opinion Pieces" and these may be my favorite paragraphs:
"So now we get to the comments. Some readers will be sitting in your choir, reveling in everything you write because it’s the same song they’ve been singing, and they know the chorus well. Cherish those people, of course, but know that if you ever write anything they can’t abide, it’ll be the day the music died.
This is the worst from them: “I’m shocked. I really expected better from you.” And then they go on — but all you’ve heard is “I really expected better from you.” Because the last thing you want to do is disappoint your loyal readers.
But what if you’re right and you know it?
When you choose to write pieces that smack of controversy, it’s your opinion that’s on the line. You can’t worry about anyone else’s. Always remember that when it comes to the battle of egos, yours is obviously much healthier. You’re out there in public doing all the work; they’re only commenting."
I don't know if any of it applies to you, but every time we write a piece that comes from US we are, in fact, making ourselves vulnerable. If it helps, we've all been there!
Fears never stop me from publishing, but I definitely frequently ask myself who the hell I think I am to be writing my newsletter. I try to just notice that voice and ignore it, which never really works 'cause I can still hear it, but "works" in the sense that I hit publish regardless.
So true! I go to the 'publish' or 'send' button three or four times before I actually hit it, always going back to check my post one last time. Sometimes I let it rest a few hours or even a day before I go back.
Fresh eyes, and I almost always catch something. Of course, I have to wait until I've actually published it before I catch the really awful stuff!
Oh, I have a whole process. I write my newsletters at least a month in advance (more if I can manage it) so they have plenty of time to sit and marinate. I also have an editing process, where I email myself each draft, read it on my laptop and make changes, resend myself that corrected draft, read it on my phone and make changes, and only then is it ready to publish.
Wow! A month in advance! I feel like such a dilletante! LOL.
I admire your editing process. Almost foolproof! I read mine aloud and sometimes, if they've gotten too complicated, I'll print them out and blue-pencil them on the paper. All of it helps, and I think it all shows in the finished product. Thanks.
My life has a lot of moving parts (two little kids, a full-time job that doesn't allow WFH, caregiving my grandmother) -- if I didn't work a month in advance, I'd have no kind of publishing schedule at all.
I've never thought of printing out my drafts -- that's a great idea!
Yes, I see what you mean. It's great that you can be that organized with that much going on. And that your writing means enough to you to schedule time for it. Pat yourself on the back!
P.S. Did you figure out the paid/free options? When you hit the Publish button (regardless of whether you've written a post or a thread), at the top there's a section that says "This post is for..." That's where you determine which subscribers will be able to comment on the thread.
Yes, I always check that because the default is for paid subscribers. But if you choose the 'Thread' option the choices are slightly different. I checked it and it said comments were open to everyone. A mystery!
In the beginning, I wasn't sure if it was the publish button or the panic button. My quivering finger would hover until finally I just had to say, "What the heck." And at first, I'd soar like an eagle when new subscribers came in or people commented, then squash like a pancake when someone unsubscribed.
That whole, "am I good enough" will probably continue to buzz around me like pesky mosquitos, but I try to light a few citronella candles as a ritual before each week's 'send'.
And I remind myself how grateful I am to still be able to get some thoughts on 'paper'.
I feel the same about the 'unsubscribes'. They hurt! But there we go again, concentrating on the negative, when the positive (new subscribers, yay!) is right in front of us.
"Am I good enough?" is a two-way street, I think. It can serve to make us better, or it can hobble us and stop us cold. Best to be used sparingly. It's worse when we use it to compare to other writers.
I've finally come to recognize that there are always going to be writers who are so much better than me; writers I'll envy and be jealous of and wonder how a human being could have that much talent. I've learned to accept that I'll never get there, and that's okay. It's the others--the multitudes of others, who are grinding away and are often superb and aren't necessarily getting anywhere, either. That's when the 'am I good enough?' doubts come in. If they're not making it, what chance do I have?
I would not use the word "scared." But there are factors that keep me from writing, and certainly factors, mostly shame-related ones, that keep me from sharing what I've written. My #1 issue is that I seem compelled to write fiction about, or derived from, unremembered sexual trauma (this is my best guess as to why I write this stuff). Because my fiction is driven by this, it goes into some very dark places. I often feel that it is not acceptable to write about these things. I did have one short piece published on these themes, but thankfully it was in an online journal that no one reads, and no one noticed it except one friend of mine (whew!).
Someone close to me once accused me of writing "trashy porn' (believe me, I do NOT write porn by any stretch of the imagination!) and it was devastating to hear this. I had written that particular piece (100K words, a novel) to explore some of my unremembered trauma. I'm now working on a second novel with a similar theme, but with no sex scenes. It still feels unacceptable to be writing about this, though. I'm struggling to find an ending for the book because I have such mixed (read: unacceptable) feelings about the villain.
I need to get this book written, though, because the villain is a Jeffrey-Epstein-like character, and the scheme he is running is so similar to what is happening in the world that I'm sure the story would be of interest to a huge number of people (i.e. survivors).
The irony of this is that my fear of putting the story down on paper is a reflection, an echo, of (I'm sure) being told by a perpetrator never to tell anyone about whatever it was that happened to me. If I don't finish the book and publish it, the perpetrator wins, in this case from the grave.
I suspect that many, many writers have this issue. It cannot be only me. If this resonates with anyone reading this, please say hello so I know you are out there.
Judith, I have no real answers for you, since everything you write comes from inside you. The natural reaction to any kind of abuse is to protect yourself from it, and to erase all evidence, including memories, that it ever happened.
It takes some guts to take it on, and I admire you for it. The fact that this eats at you tells me you already know the answer: you have to write this book. So a few suggestions--given with the caveat that I've never been faced with writing anything so painful it threatens to wring the very life out of me:
If you're writing it in first person, consider changing it to third person. You can reach into your characters' hearts just as well, but as a writer you're giving yourself distance. You become the observer and not the protagonist.
Give your characters names and personalities that draw away from your story and let them tell it their own way.
Make the location as far removed from your own as you can get.
Read books that deal with your topic. Don't be afraid of them. They'll be gut-wrenching but read them as a writer. Study how they handle the scary parts, and you may see a pattern, a way to ease your own pain while describing painful events. Do they jump right in or do they stand back and describe what's happening in that kind of flat voice survivors often affect? Which would be most comfortable for you?
Find a trusted friend or colleague who can help you with your manuscript without judging. This is your book, your story, and it's nobody else's business until you choose to share it. Your passion shows when you talk above about predators we all know exist, and why you're itching to add to the understanding of these issues.
If fiction is your way of doing it, then do it you must. Have you read Maya Angelou's 'I Know Why a Caged Bird Sings'? She lived a harrowing early life, including sexual abuse, but managed to find the words to write about it in such a way that readers couldn't help but be enthralled. Writing about it freed her from the bondage of victimhood.
I wish the same for you. By all means, keep talking about it. You're always welcome to talk about it here. This will always be a safe place.
Thanks, Ramona! I'm glad I'm not writing a memoir. If I were it would be the world's shortest memoir, as I have so few memories before age 15. I still cannot write about trauma as I don't recall any. But certainly the world has enough trauma books out there already. I've bee reading everything about J. Epstein and it is all unutterably depressing, with no 'lesson learned' or 'resolution' anywhere to be found.
The Epstein saga is totally depressing, but it tells us so much about the dark underside of sexual predation and the existence of an industry the predators believe has no victims. They prey on young girls who are dazzled by trappings and money, then leave them to figure out later that they've been victimized. I'm so proud of those women who have come forward to tell their stories. But for every one of them there are dozens still hiding, feeling guilt over something that was never their fault. I hope they can use the lessons learned to find their own healing.
I hope you find your way to writing the story that's plaguing you. And, if not, you can leave it behind and move ahead. Whichever you choose it'll be your own decision. Keep in touch!
Even after 15 books, when it comes time to actually hit that "publish" button, I still start second-guessing myself. Is this book REALLY ready for public consumption? Did I tell the story that I wanted to tell, and tell it as well as I could? Deep breath, and then...send the sweet child out into the world, naked, hoping nobody will shoot it down. I think all authors feel this sense of wanting to protect their "child" ... you've lived with a book for months, maybe years, and you don't want it rejected. I may not be quite as nervous about publishing as I was 14 books ago, but the slight hesitation was still there at the end of last November. However...hesitant or not...I'm addicted to writing, and book #16 is now engrossing me. All those years of teaching, directing, and performing, I was helping people re-create someone else's wonderful efforts. My first book was an enormous revelation...I had actually CREATED something. For better or worse, I'm still at it. I cannot NOT write!
Susan, your books are delightful! No hint of any concerns on your part, but I can well imagine that each project brings on its own worries. You've created a niche, but each book has to tell its own story.
I love how you incorporate music into each of them. It's your brand now. Music and mystery!
I'll hop on, hoping I've got the gist. Having spent 5 years writing (about the Houston Astros on The Runner Sports, 2015-20) for an editor, it's now a great feeling of freedom and "relief" to know that, if I make a typo or other mistake, I can go back in and correct (without withering stares of ed judgements, which generally hated changes once published)!
But, I also write, now, about MY life, anyway, and my experiences coming from my 1970s years in FM rock radio and the record biz, and while I was certainly confident about my Astros writings, I'm certainly more confident about driving my non-fiction writings, now, and incorporating my musical/artistic opinions more freely than I may have with my previous ed! It's also fun choosing the "right" music vids to supplement!
Man, Brad, you've got a gem of a newsletter there. Just subscribed and just read your piece on The Sex Pistols. Now, I have no interest in Johnny Rotten or the rest, but I read that from top to bottom! And I can't wait to read more, though we're eons apart in our musical tastes, and probably everything else. (I'll add you to my blogroll, too.)
(Loved this from Roberta: “They looked terribly unhealthy. They had skin like reptiles that had been underground their whole lives, like salamanders, beyond even the standard English pasty look.”
Your word 'confidence' says it all. You write as if you expect every reader is going to be right there with you, no matter what you choose to write about. I could use that gene. But maybe I'll just borrow yours and try to remember to use it the next time I'm writing that piece giving me serious anxiety attacks. LOL.
Golly, thanks, Ramona! As I meet potential readers (with my Substack biz card at the ready!!--got yours?), I assure them they'll have plenty of info and vids to help them "understand" the music, the musicians, and historical context! And, that's what YOU discovered in the Pistols piece, and scratching (apparently) nowhere NEAR where you musically itch, you found a bit of treasure amidst the..uh, prose and (rock'n'roll) cons! Thanks again for your kind words! Cheers............Brad
LOL. I love finding pieces that open my eyes to something new and different, especially involving anything creative. I'm always amazed at how different our tastes are, and how interesting and sometimes exotic that makes us.
Thanks, Ramona! I was impressed by your response to Judith, a reply that had to be delicate and filled with care and empathy. Nicely traversed! Thanks, too, for your sub! Happy to reciprocate!
Thanks so much. I have visions of building a strong community of writers here at Substack and I love that we all come at our writing from so many directions, yet we find common ground. "The loneliest profession' doesn't have to be!
And thanks, too, for subscribing. I appreciate it.
"The loneliest profession" is right! I'm reminded of a quote from the Brick character (played by Atticus Shaffer) on the sitcom, "The Middle" (2009-18). An adolescent at the time (and an avid reader), he had begun a foray into writing. Exasperated at one point, he enters the room to tell Mom, "Writers hate writing........but love having written!"
Thank you, Mona! It's one reason I write; I see it as another way to share the music that is so vital to my existence. There are people who appreciate them, and I appreciate every reader I have!
Jan 25, 2022·edited Jan 25, 2022Liked by Ramona Grigg
I'm scared someone I know/respect will tell me my work sucks. I also wonder if my letters are too short, even though people repeatedly tell me they prefer them that way. Lastly, since I write about music (Hi brad!), I know every issue won't hit with every reader. But I often wonder if I'm too into a specific niche, or if I'm too all over the map.
OMG, Kevin ditto a thousand times to your first sentence! My greatest fear when I first started out. I wanted desperately to be published but was positively panicky at the thought of anyone I knew reading it. That's the kind of thing that causes chronic brain-wobble!
it'll pass. You don't worry about every word that comes out of your mouth, do you? In time your writing will feel as comfortable as your speech and you'll connect with your audience--who are just waiting for you to relax and enjoy that particular trip.
I took a look at your newsletter and it looks fine to me. You're catering to people who love music as much as you do, and if your thing is sharing soundtracks of music you love, you're doing it!
It's much like an artist using more visuals than text at a website or blog. it's what they DO. And their audience knows to expect that. A cliche, maybe, but you do you.
So, here’s what I should say:
I’m scared no one will read it.
I’m afraid I will be called out on blind spots and make myself look like an idiot.
I’m worried people will read it but they won’t like it.
But, a few years into this Internet writing thing, those things don’t bother me anymore. The thing that worries me most is wasted effort - the time and thought I spend on something that will very likely have no short-term payoff other than seeing my title on Google when I specifically search for its exact wording + my name. No one will care, and I will have wasted the hours it took me to create this thought-provoking content when I could have been doing something “more productive.”
But all that hurling my words into the abyss has given me something of a sandbox to practice. Some of my pieces with the least views/interaction are the ones where I’ve allowed myself to play with style and form, and I’m proudest of them and have learned the most from them.
So. What am I afraid of? Not much. 😂
Nicci, you've pegged it for me, too. I think I'm beyond being afraid of reader's reactions and have passed onto being disappointed when my efforts go unnoticed. So when I hesitate before I push that 'send' button, it's because I want it to be liked. Best foot forward.
It's like sending your kid out to school every morning, checking to make sure she's presentable, because you know in your heart how special she is and you want everyone to know it, too. You want them to pay attention to her, to listen to her, to feel something for her--but first they have to see her. Something like that.
I grapple with 'wasted effort', too, telling myself nothing is wasted if it helps me to think and grow, but here's the thing about writers: it takes a huge and healthy ego to be able to go out there among the masses and hawk our wares, trying to sell them as if they're commodities and not singular pieces of our very being. Whatever we write is all US. It comes from us. We take simple words and try to place them in such a way that they'll be memorable--or at least read--and our main tool is our brain.
But now I AM scaring myself.
I love what you wrote here:
"But all that hurling my words into the abyss has given me something of a sandbox to practice. Some of my pieces with the least views/interaction are the ones where I’ve allowed myself to play with style and form, and I’m proudest of them and have learned the most from them."
Yes!
“… it takes a huge and healthy ego to be able to go out there among the masses and hawk our wares, trying to sell them as if they're commodities and not singular pieces of our very being.”
Yes to both parts of this!
Oh, you know what, though? I actually do have one preoccupation with publishing my writing: I worry more than I used to that it’s not finished. That, in my rush to get the words on the page, I haven’t done a good job conveying the truth and ideas behind the words. Sometimes it behooves me (and most writers whose pieces I’ve edited or published) to let it sit for a day or two and come back to it (longer for some pieces) to make sure it really is addressing the central idea I intended it to get across.
That's such an important part of the process, and one where patience is really a virtue. I've been guilty of rushing my pieces and doing that very thing: reading it later only to find there are places that either make no sense or need more clarifying. If I can fix it, I will, but once it's been out there for a while, it's too late.
I've already lost my audience. Tightening as I edit usually fixes it.
Great question! Working in academia, I write and publish for a living but there’s something particularly nerve-racking about writing independently (as I do with my newsletter) outside the confines of research and publishing briefs.
I guess much of that unease stems from feeling vulnerable especially when you’re making a point/argument that is intrinsically yours. I’ve realised that publicly “owning” a viewpoint involves a fair amount of grit and resilience.
I know that feeling, Josh. Our opinions sometimes make us targets, even when they're not controversial. We live in a world of different opinions and when we dare to put ours out there for public scrutiny it's like standing out there naked, just waiting to see what those people are going to find lacking.
Though it may not exactly apply to what you're saying here, I wrote a piece last year, called "How to Survive Writing Opinion Pieces" and these may be my favorite paragraphs:
"So now we get to the comments. Some readers will be sitting in your choir, reveling in everything you write because it’s the same song they’ve been singing, and they know the chorus well. Cherish those people, of course, but know that if you ever write anything they can’t abide, it’ll be the day the music died.
This is the worst from them: “I’m shocked. I really expected better from you.” And then they go on — but all you’ve heard is “I really expected better from you.” Because the last thing you want to do is disappoint your loyal readers.
But what if you’re right and you know it?
When you choose to write pieces that smack of controversy, it’s your opinion that’s on the line. You can’t worry about anyone else’s. Always remember that when it comes to the battle of egos, yours is obviously much healthier. You’re out there in public doing all the work; they’re only commenting."
https://writereverlasting.substack.com/p/how-to-survive-writing-opinion-pieces
I don't know if any of it applies to you, but every time we write a piece that comes from US we are, in fact, making ourselves vulnerable. If it helps, we've all been there!
Fears never stop me from publishing, but I definitely frequently ask myself who the hell I think I am to be writing my newsletter. I try to just notice that voice and ignore it, which never really works 'cause I can still hear it, but "works" in the sense that I hit publish regardless.
So true! I go to the 'publish' or 'send' button three or four times before I actually hit it, always going back to check my post one last time. Sometimes I let it rest a few hours or even a day before I go back.
Fresh eyes, and I almost always catch something. Of course, I have to wait until I've actually published it before I catch the really awful stuff!
Oh, I have a whole process. I write my newsletters at least a month in advance (more if I can manage it) so they have plenty of time to sit and marinate. I also have an editing process, where I email myself each draft, read it on my laptop and make changes, resend myself that corrected draft, read it on my phone and make changes, and only then is it ready to publish.
Wow! A month in advance! I feel like such a dilletante! LOL.
I admire your editing process. Almost foolproof! I read mine aloud and sometimes, if they've gotten too complicated, I'll print them out and blue-pencil them on the paper. All of it helps, and I think it all shows in the finished product. Thanks.
My life has a lot of moving parts (two little kids, a full-time job that doesn't allow WFH, caregiving my grandmother) -- if I didn't work a month in advance, I'd have no kind of publishing schedule at all.
I've never thought of printing out my drafts -- that's a great idea!
Yes, I see what you mean. It's great that you can be that organized with that much going on. And that your writing means enough to you to schedule time for it. Pat yourself on the back!
P.S. Did you figure out the paid/free options? When you hit the Publish button (regardless of whether you've written a post or a thread), at the top there's a section that says "This post is for..." That's where you determine which subscribers will be able to comment on the thread.
Yes, I always check that because the default is for paid subscribers. But if you choose the 'Thread' option the choices are slightly different. I checked it and it said comments were open to everyone. A mystery!
Weird!
I know! I'm still waiting to see what Substack support has to say about it.
Update: I heard back from Substack but I stupidly deleted the post that wouldn't take comments, so they couldn't see what I was talking about.
But she did say there's really not enough difference between 'Threads' and the regular posting platform so they're basically interchangeable.
It still doesn't answer my original question, which was, "Why would we need the 'Threads' option?" Turns out we don't.
In the beginning, I wasn't sure if it was the publish button or the panic button. My quivering finger would hover until finally I just had to say, "What the heck." And at first, I'd soar like an eagle when new subscribers came in or people commented, then squash like a pancake when someone unsubscribed.
That whole, "am I good enough" will probably continue to buzz around me like pesky mosquitos, but I try to light a few citronella candles as a ritual before each week's 'send'.
And I remind myself how grateful I am to still be able to get some thoughts on 'paper'.
I feel the same about the 'unsubscribes'. They hurt! But there we go again, concentrating on the negative, when the positive (new subscribers, yay!) is right in front of us.
"Am I good enough?" is a two-way street, I think. It can serve to make us better, or it can hobble us and stop us cold. Best to be used sparingly. It's worse when we use it to compare to other writers.
I've finally come to recognize that there are always going to be writers who are so much better than me; writers I'll envy and be jealous of and wonder how a human being could have that much talent. I've learned to accept that I'll never get there, and that's okay. It's the others--the multitudes of others, who are grinding away and are often superb and aren't necessarily getting anywhere, either. That's when the 'am I good enough?' doubts come in. If they're not making it, what chance do I have?
I would not use the word "scared." But there are factors that keep me from writing, and certainly factors, mostly shame-related ones, that keep me from sharing what I've written. My #1 issue is that I seem compelled to write fiction about, or derived from, unremembered sexual trauma (this is my best guess as to why I write this stuff). Because my fiction is driven by this, it goes into some very dark places. I often feel that it is not acceptable to write about these things. I did have one short piece published on these themes, but thankfully it was in an online journal that no one reads, and no one noticed it except one friend of mine (whew!).
Someone close to me once accused me of writing "trashy porn' (believe me, I do NOT write porn by any stretch of the imagination!) and it was devastating to hear this. I had written that particular piece (100K words, a novel) to explore some of my unremembered trauma. I'm now working on a second novel with a similar theme, but with no sex scenes. It still feels unacceptable to be writing about this, though. I'm struggling to find an ending for the book because I have such mixed (read: unacceptable) feelings about the villain.
I need to get this book written, though, because the villain is a Jeffrey-Epstein-like character, and the scheme he is running is so similar to what is happening in the world that I'm sure the story would be of interest to a huge number of people (i.e. survivors).
The irony of this is that my fear of putting the story down on paper is a reflection, an echo, of (I'm sure) being told by a perpetrator never to tell anyone about whatever it was that happened to me. If I don't finish the book and publish it, the perpetrator wins, in this case from the grave.
I suspect that many, many writers have this issue. It cannot be only me. If this resonates with anyone reading this, please say hello so I know you are out there.
Judith, I have no real answers for you, since everything you write comes from inside you. The natural reaction to any kind of abuse is to protect yourself from it, and to erase all evidence, including memories, that it ever happened.
It takes some guts to take it on, and I admire you for it. The fact that this eats at you tells me you already know the answer: you have to write this book. So a few suggestions--given with the caveat that I've never been faced with writing anything so painful it threatens to wring the very life out of me:
If you're writing it in first person, consider changing it to third person. You can reach into your characters' hearts just as well, but as a writer you're giving yourself distance. You become the observer and not the protagonist.
Give your characters names and personalities that draw away from your story and let them tell it their own way.
Make the location as far removed from your own as you can get.
Read books that deal with your topic. Don't be afraid of them. They'll be gut-wrenching but read them as a writer. Study how they handle the scary parts, and you may see a pattern, a way to ease your own pain while describing painful events. Do they jump right in or do they stand back and describe what's happening in that kind of flat voice survivors often affect? Which would be most comfortable for you?
Find a trusted friend or colleague who can help you with your manuscript without judging. This is your book, your story, and it's nobody else's business until you choose to share it. Your passion shows when you talk above about predators we all know exist, and why you're itching to add to the understanding of these issues.
If fiction is your way of doing it, then do it you must. Have you read Maya Angelou's 'I Know Why a Caged Bird Sings'? She lived a harrowing early life, including sexual abuse, but managed to find the words to write about it in such a way that readers couldn't help but be enthralled. Writing about it freed her from the bondage of victimhood.
I wish the same for you. By all means, keep talking about it. You're always welcome to talk about it here. This will always be a safe place.
Breathe.
Hi Judy, I saw this today and thought of you. I think the author makes some good points about writing about trauma. Maybe you'll find something useful in it. https://www.janefriedman.com/3-things-to-ask-yourself-before-writing-about-trauma/?utm_source=ActiveCampaign&utm_medium=email&utm_content=%5BElectric+Speed%5D+Love+me+a+pretty+progress+bar&utm_campaign=Electric+Speed+%23177+%28Feb++
Thanks, Ramona! I'm glad I'm not writing a memoir. If I were it would be the world's shortest memoir, as I have so few memories before age 15. I still cannot write about trauma as I don't recall any. But certainly the world has enough trauma books out there already. I've bee reading everything about J. Epstein and it is all unutterably depressing, with no 'lesson learned' or 'resolution' anywhere to be found.
The Epstein saga is totally depressing, but it tells us so much about the dark underside of sexual predation and the existence of an industry the predators believe has no victims. They prey on young girls who are dazzled by trappings and money, then leave them to figure out later that they've been victimized. I'm so proud of those women who have come forward to tell their stories. But for every one of them there are dozens still hiding, feeling guilt over something that was never their fault. I hope they can use the lessons learned to find their own healing.
I hope you find your way to writing the story that's plaguing you. And, if not, you can leave it behind and move ahead. Whichever you choose it'll be your own decision. Keep in touch!
Even after 15 books, when it comes time to actually hit that "publish" button, I still start second-guessing myself. Is this book REALLY ready for public consumption? Did I tell the story that I wanted to tell, and tell it as well as I could? Deep breath, and then...send the sweet child out into the world, naked, hoping nobody will shoot it down. I think all authors feel this sense of wanting to protect their "child" ... you've lived with a book for months, maybe years, and you don't want it rejected. I may not be quite as nervous about publishing as I was 14 books ago, but the slight hesitation was still there at the end of last November. However...hesitant or not...I'm addicted to writing, and book #16 is now engrossing me. All those years of teaching, directing, and performing, I was helping people re-create someone else's wonderful efforts. My first book was an enormous revelation...I had actually CREATED something. For better or worse, I'm still at it. I cannot NOT write!
Susan, your books are delightful! No hint of any concerns on your part, but I can well imagine that each project brings on its own worries. You've created a niche, but each book has to tell its own story.
I love how you incorporate music into each of them. It's your brand now. Music and mystery!
I'll hop on, hoping I've got the gist. Having spent 5 years writing (about the Houston Astros on The Runner Sports, 2015-20) for an editor, it's now a great feeling of freedom and "relief" to know that, if I make a typo or other mistake, I can go back in and correct (without withering stares of ed judgements, which generally hated changes once published)!
But, I also write, now, about MY life, anyway, and my experiences coming from my 1970s years in FM rock radio and the record biz, and while I was certainly confident about my Astros writings, I'm certainly more confident about driving my non-fiction writings, now, and incorporating my musical/artistic opinions more freely than I may have with my previous ed! It's also fun choosing the "right" music vids to supplement!
Man, Brad, you've got a gem of a newsletter there. Just subscribed and just read your piece on The Sex Pistols. Now, I have no interest in Johnny Rotten or the rest, but I read that from top to bottom! And I can't wait to read more, though we're eons apart in our musical tastes, and probably everything else. (I'll add you to my blogroll, too.)
(Loved this from Roberta: “They looked terribly unhealthy. They had skin like reptiles that had been underground their whole lives, like salamanders, beyond even the standard English pasty look.”
Your word 'confidence' says it all. You write as if you expect every reader is going to be right there with you, no matter what you choose to write about. I could use that gene. But maybe I'll just borrow yours and try to remember to use it the next time I'm writing that piece giving me serious anxiety attacks. LOL.
Thanks for weighing in. Come back any time.
Golly, thanks, Ramona! As I meet potential readers (with my Substack biz card at the ready!!--got yours?), I assure them they'll have plenty of info and vids to help them "understand" the music, the musicians, and historical context! And, that's what YOU discovered in the Pistols piece, and scratching (apparently) nowhere NEAR where you musically itch, you found a bit of treasure amidst the..uh, prose and (rock'n'roll) cons! Thanks again for your kind words! Cheers............Brad
LOL. I love finding pieces that open my eyes to something new and different, especially involving anything creative. I'm always amazed at how different our tastes are, and how interesting and sometimes exotic that makes us.
As if we come from different planets, yet there is always something that ties us together. I did write about some of my own musical tastes. If you read it you'll probably think I'm the alien! https://writereverlasting.substack.com/p/the-joys-of-writing-to-music
Thanks, Ramona! I was impressed by your response to Judith, a reply that had to be delicate and filled with care and empathy. Nicely traversed! Thanks, too, for your sub! Happy to reciprocate!
Thanks so much. I have visions of building a strong community of writers here at Substack and I love that we all come at our writing from so many directions, yet we find common ground. "The loneliest profession' doesn't have to be!
And thanks, too, for subscribing. I appreciate it.
"The loneliest profession" is right! I'm reminded of a quote from the Brick character (played by Atticus Shaffer) on the sitcom, "The Middle" (2009-18). An adolescent at the time (and an avid reader), he had begun a foray into writing. Exasperated at one point, he enters the room to tell Mom, "Writers hate writing........but love having written!"
LOL. Brick stole a Dorothy Parker quote, but it's okay. She's long gone.
I didn't THINK that was a show writer's original, but it never occurred to me to discover the originator! Thanks, though!
Thank you, Mona! It's one reason I write; I see it as another way to share the music that is so vital to my existence. There are people who appreciate them, and I appreciate every reader I have!
It works. And it sets you apart from other mystery writers who couldn't possibly have your depth of musical knowledge!
I'm scared someone I know/respect will tell me my work sucks. I also wonder if my letters are too short, even though people repeatedly tell me they prefer them that way. Lastly, since I write about music (Hi brad!), I know every issue won't hit with every reader. But I often wonder if I'm too into a specific niche, or if I'm too all over the map.
OMG, Kevin ditto a thousand times to your first sentence! My greatest fear when I first started out. I wanted desperately to be published but was positively panicky at the thought of anyone I knew reading it. That's the kind of thing that causes chronic brain-wobble!
it'll pass. You don't worry about every word that comes out of your mouth, do you? In time your writing will feel as comfortable as your speech and you'll connect with your audience--who are just waiting for you to relax and enjoy that particular trip.
I took a look at your newsletter and it looks fine to me. You're catering to people who love music as much as you do, and if your thing is sharing soundtracks of music you love, you're doing it!
It's much like an artist using more visuals than text at a website or blog. it's what they DO. And their audience knows to expect that. A cliche, maybe, but you do you.
That's a great way to look at it. Thank you!
You're welcome!