Q&A: How Do You Handle Writing Through Pain?
Does it change everything? Is it even something you can do?
Hi, Everlastings, I haven’t done a Q&A in a while, and I’m really interested in your answers here. You know I’m a new widow. I won’t dwell on it except to say I’m overwhelmed but adjusting, and it’s like learning all over again how to get on with the ordinariness of daily living.
When I sit down to write, I can’t get away from writing about my pain, about my circumstance. I don’t want to do that, but it’s uppermost in my mind, and whatever I do to remove it isn’t enough. It always comes back to me. This is something I’ve avoided all of my writing life. I try not to get too personal, even though I read plenty of personal stories written by others. It’s just not me, and I’m uncomfortable doing it.
It hasn’t been quite a month yet, so maybe I’m expecting too much. Maybe I haven’t taken a long enough break. Maybe I’m not supposed to be writing yet. But writing is my thing—my passion, my solace, my everything.
I missed being here.
So here I am, tiptoeing back in by asking a question. How do you write through your pain? Do you meet it head on and lock horns with it? Do you pretend to ignore it? Or do you find ways to incorporate it without making your readers feel like they have to become a part of it?
It doesn’t have to be grief; it can be any kind of pain—physical illness or ailments, loss of a job, a break-up, an insult, a personal failure, the trauma of Ukraine and the world today. Can you write about anything else while it lurks around you? Does it ever go away?
Let’s talk. Comments are open. And you know you’re always safe here.
I used to have a weekly newsletter on TinyLetter where all I did, pretty much every week, overtly or not, was write through (and about) my pain. No one would fault you for writing about new widowhood for now, for a while, even forever (though I don't think you want that -- just saying there's a market for everything, even this).
I think people relate when writers are real, and maybe it matters less what it's about than the fact that it's genuine, heartfelt. Right now, this is what you're living. It's okay to show us that. It's okay to write about that. Even those of us who have a narrow focus and niche newsletter bring our whole selves to the page (er, screen) whether we know it or not. You're here behind your words, no matter the topic. So am I. It's kind of a lovely thought, even when it's not lovely, you know?
I'm new here, so first I want to say that I'm sorry for your loss. In regards to your question, I use writing to process most things. Something of the magnitude of losing a dear loved one most definitely qualifies as an event to process, even if that's something that lingers forever.
I don't know if we write through the pain, or if we just write about it and around it.