Navel-Gazing Has Become My Habit
I worry it'll become an addiction
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I woke up again worrying about why nobody liked what I had to offer, worrying it could be me and not them, wondering what there was about me that made me think I was pretty special when nobody else seemed to see it, and after much thought — all about me — I finally had to laugh. I was doing that very thing I’ve warned writers against so many, many, many times: I was navel-gazing.
Seriously. And because I was really getting into it — in the middle of the night when nothing was stopping me — I went looking for the definition of ‘navel-gazing’; hoping, I suppose, that the dictionaries would vindicate me and let me get back to sleep.
Well, the dictionaries did what dictionaries do — just the facts, ma’am, the fewer words the better. From Merriam-Webster:
But then they had to add synonyms. (You’ll notice a definite pattern.)
(About those antonyms: ‘self-abandonment’ and ‘self-forgetfulness’ rarely ever happen. Ignore them. ‘Selflessness’ and ‘unselfishness’, on the other hand, are seen only in fictional characters.)
Grammarist looks at it this way:
While navel-gazing may be used to simply mean thoughtful contemplation or being absorbed by one’s meditation practice, it is usually viewed in a negative light. Navel-gazing is not often considered a mystical reflection or deep self-analysis. It carries the connotation of narcissism, practiced by self-absorbed people. Accusing a person of navel-gazing is most often a critique of engaging in excessive introspective thought, rather than taking action. Getting wrapped up in thinking about something may essentially be a way of avoiding making a decision. Contemplating a problem on one’s own, without the input or perspective of others, may not yield the best results. Another word for naval-gazing is omphaloskepsis, an Ancient Greek word that literally means naval examination. Navel-gazing is an esoteric meditative practice that has been used in many cultures, including Hindu and Greek. Synonyms of the term navel-gazing that may be found in a thesaurus are: selfish, indulgent, self-indulgent, self reflection, self-absorbed, introspection. A navel-gazer is someone who practices navel-gazing.
***Before we go on, I should note that often I’m a most excellent editor, if I do say so. Take that quote above: Did you happen to notice what jumped out at me right away? Typos in Grammarist! Twice! “Naval” instead of “navel”. Ha!
All right. Back to me…
So because I’m in my annual ‘taking stock’ mode, and because ‘taking stock’ tends to reveal more failures than successes, my narcissistic navel-gazing is in danger now of becoming an addiction.
There’s something useful about navel-gazing, though — a perk I hadn’t thought about before. Or maybe I did. Maybe, when I’m gazing at my belly button, I’m free of all the hard work it takes to write something good. “Hard work” is the thing I get to avoid when I’m doing that thing.
It’s like day-dreaming, which is something else I’m really good at. (I actually wrote about it. Read it here. But be sure to come back.) Except in daydreaming, I’m always the star. I’m rich! I’m famous! Everybody loves me! In navel-gazing I’m a plain old nobody. If I gaze long enough I can see that I suck.
Even now, after I know exactly how the world sees navel-gazing, I can’t seem to stop. I think I even wrote this so you would take pity on me. Have you ever heard anything more pathetic?
Is it working?
I have heard things more pathetic. In fact, I wrote those things. Reams and reams of repetitive whining and complaining about (whatever it was at the time). It's the reason I've stopped journaling, actually. I could not bear to look at it. I'm still on the fence between picking it up again (a lot of angst, Sturm und Drang, tears on the page) or consciously letting it go and de-cathecting from it. I should make up my mind, I'll be 70 in a few years!!
Awww! Poor Ramona! Who’s a good girl? Yes you are! Yes you are!
Biscuit? 😁